Category: Women Empowerment

How to ask for the raise you deserve

Achieving Goals

09/13/18

Teague

When was the last time you asked for a salary increase? If your answer is “never,” you’re not alone; a recent survey revealed that less than half of all employees have asked for a raise in their current field. However, just because you’re in good company doesn’t mean you want to belong to this group. Since the late 1980s, companies have been spending increasingly less money on employee raises (and extra perks aren’t making up the difference). The gender pay gap might be even wider than we thought, and the chasm continues to grow when we analyze the data focusing on wages for women of color. So, the onus is on you to ask for what you deserve, and strategize appropriately so you can give yourself every advantage throughout the process. Here are our best tips for asking for the raise you deserve. Start building the framework for your ask several months in advance. If you don’t already have a regularly scheduled feedback meeting with your superiors, this is a great time to get that on the books. During these conversations, you should use some of the time to highlight your accomplishments, ask for creative feedback, and brainstorm growth opportunities. Start planting the “I deserve a raise” seeds long before you actually ask the question, and your boss will start seeing you as a highly productive team member who is worthy of a salary bump. Set up a meeting to discuss your request. Most companies are only offering small cost-of-living or merit-based raises (if they even offer them at all). If you’re looking for a significant increase in your take-home pay, you’ll likely have to directly ask for it. If your company makes pay decisions on a regular schedule (for instance, everyone gets their annual 2% raise in the spring), schedule your meeting a few months in advance so your supervisors can have the chance to work your ask into their budget. Provide concrete data when it comes to the value you add to your company. During this meeting, the focus shouldn’t be on what you want to do for the company, but what you already have done. This is not the time to be modest. Come prepared with a list of accomplishments you’d like to highlight and direct links to how they serve the company’s broader mission. Even better, bring along measurable data – for instance, if you met 125% of last quarter’s sales goals, or brought in $400k in grant funding for your team’s project, use this information to clearly demonstrate the value of your work. Come prepared with a thoughtful ask. Before you ask for a raise, do your homework. What do other people with your level of training and job responsibility generally make? Don’t forget that salaries can vary drastically based on location and size of the company. By completing market research, you’ll be able to ask for a number that is reasonable and in line with what you could expect to be offered. Leave your personal needs out of it. You might be finally taking the leap and asking for a raise because you’re in a financial bind, or a family member is ill and you’re taking over some of their bills. Even though these can be emotionally wrought topics, keep your own personal situation out of your ask for a raise. Your employer is ultimately concerned with what you bring to the table as a member of the team, not with your dwindling bank account. (And, by all means, when you get that raise- celebrate your success and get yourself out of your financial bind!) By following these steps, you’ll be able to thoughtfully and reasonably ask for the salary bump you deserve. Trust us – your bank account will thank you.  

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Ladies, don’t go get the water

Women Empowerment

11/19/17

Nicole Wood

Back when I was working in Corporate Strategy for a digital marketing agency, I was preparing for a meeting with a potential strategic partner. It was that lull before the meeting begins when you awkwardly make small talk. Someone mentioned wanting water and that we should grab some water bottles for our guests. I was the most junior person in the room, so I probably should have been the one to go get them. But I was also the only female in the meeting, on either side of the table. I knew if I went and got those waters that I would be viewed throughout that meeting as the girl who’s there to get stuff. To make sure everyone is taken care of. I wanted to be respected just like everyone else. I wanted my ideas and questions taken seriously. And so I sat there. Didn’t move an inch. Did that thing you do when you don’t want the teacher to call on you, and so you don’t make direct eye contact. My boss went and got the waters.   This may seem like a silly story and like I was way overthinking it. And I may have been. But these are the silly things that we as women have to think about. Will my fetching a few water bottles or the color of my shirt or the shade of my lipstick impact the ability of those around me to respect me for my brain? It’s wrong. It’s so wrong. In fact, it’s complete bullshit. But sadly it is still our reality.   So I walk two tracks in tandem. One track is strategically navigating the corporate world in which we live today. I don’t get the water. I don’t wear hot pink to a meeting with a conservative company just in case that causes their perception of me to subconsciously or consciously be shaped not in my favor. And I advise women around me to do the same. To be cognizant and considerate about the biases that still exist and the tendencies we as women often have which can sometimes decelerate our career trajectory relative to our male counterparts. Being more collaborative in nature, many women give credit to the team in performance reviews and try to avoid coming across conceited. I say brag. When there’s an administrative task to be done which is in no one’s job description, women are often assigned or even volunteer. It’s nice to be nice, but it takes time and energy away from more strategic activities. I say don’t volunteer – at least not more than anyone else. Women tend to shy away from applying for jobs or going for promotions when the job description uses the word “expert.” I’ll bet you are an expert, and if not yet, then you can quickly become one. I say go for it.   The second track I walk is one which doesn’t accommodate the status quo. It’s longer-term. It’s putting myself in a position of influence, so I can continue to fight against the system which is making track one even a thing. It’s putting myself at the head of the table, so even if I get the waters, people know I have every right to be there. It’s building my credibility over time. It’s letting my work speak for itself. It’s doing work which speaks so loudly that there’s no way a conversation about my shirt could even be heard.   Like you, I’m upset that women have to trouble themselves with these things. That I’m even writing a blog post about who fetches water bottles. You may think it’s trivial, and I’d agree. Which is why I’m frustrated. But it’s also why I work every day to put more women in positions of influence. To teach them how to navigate track one so they too can work to eliminate it. Help me. If color of attire gets brought up in a debrief, shut it down. If you’re assigning administrative work, spread it among men and women alike. If you’re at a table full of strong opinions and personalities, pause to see who can’t get a word in. Ask them what they think.   I know we’re moving in the right direction. And I know the more we educate and spread awareness the quicker we’ll get there. So grab yourself a water, stay hydrated, and let’s sprint down track two.  

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Why I’m Happier Making No Money After Walking Away From 6-Figures

Career Discovery

10/12/17

Nicole Wood

I’m now a year into my startup journey, a natural point for review and reflection, and though starting a business has been and continues to be incredibly difficult, the bottom line is I’m happy. I certainly wasn’t miserable in my previous jobs. I had high visibility. Great career trajectory. Amazing friends at the office. The difference is, it felt to me like I was just going through the motions. Like I was working hard day after day but toward something I wasn’t sure how much I really impacted. Or even cared about for that matter. Sure I could afford nice things, and so I’d buy them. And then I’d chat with friends and colleagues, all equally decorated with nice things, and we’d complain again and again about the same stuff. As it turned out, Kate Spade and J Crew weren’t enough to make us happy.  We were an army of well-dressed, highly capable professionals all quickly becoming disillusioned with the life of middle management. My soul craved something more. I had to abandon my post. To me mediocrity is worse than failure. Monotony worse than crisis. I need to feel alive and on a mission. And boy did I set out on one. I left my job and launched Ama La Vida in September of 2016. We are building a business that we hope…know will transform the coaching industry and the way people think about investing in themselves. We are attracting talented coaches from all over the world who are passionate about helping people achieve their own successes and break free from the posts they’ve been scared to leave for far too long. I light up thinking about the future, but I still live in the here and now. We are still tweaking our operations and figuring things out. We certainly aren’t making the big bucks. We have big, bold plans for the future, and so most of our income gets reinvested in the business. I don’t buy nice things anymore. I don’t go to dinner and order the $42 fish. I don’t get pedicures or the new boots at Nordstrom. But I also don’t get sick. I actually get sleep. I get outside in the middle of the day and see the sun. I get excited to face each day’s adventure and challenges. I work on problems I deeply care about, and I get to share my greatest gifts with my team and the world on a daily basis. My toenails have seen better days, but my body, soul and mind are thanking me. I constantly see new studies telling me I’m not alone. That a lot of you are sitting at your desks, wearing and carrying your nice things, but wanting something different. Don’t let your dreams dissolve over time. Don’t let another day go by convincing yourself that your post is your only option. It’s not. You don’t need to be an entrepreneur to be happy or do something as drastic as I did. You just have to do what it is that your soul has been craving. Take the pay cut for the role you really want. Sacrifice a couple month’s salary to go on that trip you’ve been dreaming of. Put up some capital to give your business idea a try. Sacrifice one pair of shoes in your closet to have someone help you figure out what your mission is. I promise you, it’s worth it to feel alive.  

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The Right to Try

Women Empowerment

08/03/17

Nicole Wood

I recently returned home from my second trip to Belize. Absolutely stunning country. Bursting with interesting history, a curious mix of cultures and ocean views to die for. But while abundant in beauty, it’s lacking in options. There’s certainly no Silicon Valley. Barely a university. No Home Depot. Not even a McDonald’s. Its people, however, are kind and proud. They will gladly show you the sites and welcome you into their homes, as our newly made friends down there did this trip. Our friend Mirsa invited us over. While I sat and played with her dog, her little cousin Shanies walked into the living room and went straight to grab something from the kitchen. Shanies lived in a separate unit in the same building. Knock on the front door? Don’t be ridiculous. She simply climbed over the barrier on the balcony and walked right in the open doorway. At only 15 years old, she was gorgeous. But I got the feeling she didn’t know it yet. Ed, my husband, teased her from the moment she walked in, as is typical for him to do, and she didn’t so much as flinch. I liked her already. After a 13-hour workday on her feet, Shanies’s mom came home, and we had a nice chat. She bragged about how smart Shanies was. “She makes all A’s in school!” I turned to Shanies and said, “That’s incredible! What do you want to be when you grow up?” Given my profession and being a privileged white person in America, it was a natural question to ask. With a shrug, “I don’t know.” My initial thought was “Ah teenagers…don’t think these things through.” But very quickly I realized, there wasn’t much thinking to do. Shanies’s mom went on to explain that college is not an option. Tuition is far too high. With minimum wage at $1.65/hr in Belize, mom could work as many 13-hour shifts as her feet could handle and never come close to paying for higher education. In fact, only 75% of students in Belize even make it to high school, with less finishing all four years. So Shanies would likely go on to cook. Or serve at a restaurant. Or work at a hotel. All perfectly fine professions. But what angered me was that her options were so limited. I wanted to stuff her in my suitcase and take her home with me. It was only a few hours on a plane separating her from top-notch education and endless opportunity. Who knows if she would have even wanted it. I’m not so US-centric that I can’t see that there are many ways life in Belize is preferable to life here. I just wanted her to have the choice. Shanies might be the next Oprah. Or Elon Musk. Or Tory Burch. Or Sheryl Sandberg. I don’t know who or what she could be, but I know that she has the right to try. Thinking about her on my plane ride home and gearing up for a full day of work in the morning, I realized that it is my duty to build my business for her. It is my duty to help my clients achieve all they can. To help our coaches prosper and make an impact. To work with the same hustle and endurance as Shanies’s mom does. Simply because I can. Because I was given the gift of being born in a place and family where I was taught to dream about my future and was told that college was expected. Because I was given the choice. And I’m going to make the right one. I’m not sure yet how Ama La Vida will help Shanies and the many young women around the world like her, but I’m for damn sure going to explore it. For now, I’ll put my head down and keep working. Keep building my business so it can afford me with a greater platform to make a change in the hopefully not-so-distant future. But know I’m thinking of you. I’m scheming. And you can bet your asses I’ll be back.

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Woman on couch with social anxiety.

Five Ways to OVERCOME Social Anxiety

Confidence

05/31/17

Katie Bennett

Catching up with some friends for dinner tonight? Going to a wedding next weekend? Perhaps just meeting a few colleages for an after work drink? These all sound like fun experiences to look forward to, right? Not for everyone! Social anxiety is a real and debilitating disorder affecting approximately 15 million American adults. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t like socializing, or that you’re not good at it. It simply means that the idea of being around other people can create feelings of fear, judgment, self-consciousness and inadequacy. Experiencing these emotions almost every time you’re about to step out for a “fun” night can certainly suck the joy out of things. The good news is that there are many things that can be done to help tame the anxious beast.  Our coaches have worked with many clients struggling with social anxiety, and below are five key strategies that have made a tremendous difference. Best Case / Worst Case Mental Preparation. People who experience social anxiety often over-analyze and catastrophize what is going to happen in a social setting. They draw unsubstantiated assumptions that no one is going to like them or that they are going to say something stupid, and everyone will laugh at them.  Of course, these things very rarely, if ever, materialize. However, it doesn’t stop our minds from entertaining the detrimental thoughts. I encourage clients to mentally prepare for social situations by realistically imagining the very worst thing that could happen. I then encourage them to consider how they would recover from that if it ever happened. Next, I ask them to consider the very best thing that could happen.  Perhaps they will sign a huge business deal or meet the love of their life.  When they do this, they realize that potential downfall from the worst case scenario is actually pretty minor compared to the potential opportunity of the best case scenario, and so they really have nothing to lose.  It is a good idea to keep reminding yourself of this “nothing to lose” concept during the social gathering. Get Outside of Your Head. Often when we feel social anxiety it is because we are so intensely focusing on ourselves – what if we do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, respond the wrong way and so on.  It can really help to redirect your focus onto the person or people you are speaking to. Listen intently to what they are saying, ask thoughtful questions and take a genuine interest in their life and story.  Our brain cannot be anxious and intensely focused at the same time, so when you give your mental energy to others, you rob your anxiety of its power. Exposure Therapy. The more we avoid things that we are afraid of, the more afraid of them we become.  One of the best ways to tackle social anxiety is to keep putting yourself in social situations.  To take things one step further, it is also a good idea to reflect on the situation after the event and ask yourself,  “Did my fears eventuate? What were some positive outcomes from the situation?” When we do this over and over again, we begin to realize that our anxiety is driven by false fear, and the upside of social gatherings is far greater than the downside. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT is the process of analyzing, challenging and reframing a situation. It helps our brain build new perceptions and associations and is a powerful strategy for tackling social anxiety.  One effective way to apply CBT is by using the ABCDE model.  A is for “Activating Event” – What is causing you anxiety(e.g., a friend’s party)? B is for “Belief” – What thoughts are you associating to this event? For example, “No one is going to like me.” C is for “Consequence”- How is your belief affecting your behavior? For example, because you feel that no one is going to like you, you don’t talk to anyone. D is for “Dispute” – What evidence do you have to support your belief, and can you reframe? For example, “I have always made friends at parties, and instead I am going to have the belief that maybe I’ll meet some great people.” E is for “Effect” – What is the outcome of this new thought? In this case, you’ll feel more optimistic about making friends and therefore speak to more people. Social anxiety arises from distorted thinking, and therefore the most effective way to address it is by changing and reframing our thoughts. Remember you’re not alone. Millions of people around the world struggle with social anxiety.  Just knowing that you’re not alone can in and of itself help you to feel calmer.  When we think we are the only ones with a problem, that problem is exacerbated by the perception that we are strange or crazy. However, when we realize that we are surrounded by millions of people who are also feeling equally anxious, we realize we are not strange or crazy; we are just human.  Next time you are at an event or a party, remember that there are many other people there feeling the same way that you are, and instead of focusing on your own social anxiety, perhaps you can instead try to ease theirs. Remember that we are here to help! If you are looking for support on overcoming anxiety, increasing your confidence and smashing your goals, fill out this form to be matched with a coach for a free consultation.

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How to Be More of Who You Are

Career Enrichment

05/26/17

Foram Sheth

I, like many others I know, have a tendency to want what I don’t already have. Not necessarily in material goods, but in attributes and skills. When I moved to the US at a young age, I noticed the increased level of creativity my fellow classmates exhibited. They seemed so skilled at creating beautiful art and making cool crafts. I could never get my art to look like theirs. I didn’t have the same extraordinary imagination, the eye for colors, the technique to paint (inside) the lines. While I tried and tried, but I was barely mediocre. I would get frustrated that I couldn’t do what the other kids could. I questioned myself and my abilities – why am I not as good? After all, society and people often give you feedback on what you need to be better at, not what you’re already good at. I invested all of my energy and time into practicing and trying to be better, but that only frustrated me more. I would get upset and feel crappy that I wasn’t as good as the other kids. After observing my habits for years, my dad (who continues to be a big influence and my coach in life) sits with me and says:  “You have your weaknesses and you have your strengths. While you need to improve your weaknesses, don’t spend your life trying to make up for them. Do something that uses your strengths and people will recognize you and you’ll be happier.“ He was right. No matter how hard I try, I will never be Picasso. Nor will I be anything close to my talented classmates. It just isn’t my thing. I find that when we only focus on our weaknesses and ignore our gifts, we start losing confidence and feel more frustrated – I see this almost daily with my clients. What Are Your Strengths? As a coach, the majority of my conversations with clients start with them saying, “Here are all of the things I need to work on.” They then give me a plethora of things they want to work on. And while that’s great self awareness and dedication to improve, I respond back with, “Tell me about your strengths. What are they?” This catches my clients off guard.  They respond with uncertainty and hesitation, eventually providing me a list with a few strengths.  This list is typically half of the size of the things they want to improve on. I encourage my clients to flush out their strengths and once we have a comprehensive list of both strengths and weaknesses, we discuss how they can use those strengths to work on the things that need improving. For example, I recently had a client who wanted to be more assertive. This client identified empathy as a big strength, which led us to set strategies on how to be assertive while using empathy. She became particularly skilled at being assertive when needed while making sure it was done in a way that made the recipient feel heard and respected. Where Is Your Energy? In life – at work, at home – we all need to work on the things that we’re not good at. There’s no denying that. I often hear from clients that they need to be better with having difficult conversations. That’s a critical skill to have at work and outside of work and you should absolutely have the skills to have those difficult conversations. The problem I encounter is when all of the energy and effort is put into making the weakness a strength. You can work months and months on being able to have a difficult conversation; you do it so it’s not a detriment to you and your work and personal life. At the end of it, most likely, you’re not going to transform into the expert in having difficult conversations. Realistically, it might still be uncomfortable for you but manageable and no longer a detriment to you and your development. But all this time, what happened to your strengths? They were put on the backburner while you focused only on your weaknesses. Embrace Yourself: Be More Of Who You Are Now think Sheryl Sandberg. What comes to mind? Probably her remarkable book Lean In, her leadership at Facebook and her advocacy to build resilience and support women. Rightfully so – you recognized her for what she’s known for. One of Sheryl’s greatest strengths is being authentic. She embraces her strengths and she acknowledges her weaknesses. What if Sheryl spent all of her time working on her weaknesses? What if she didn’t use her strength of being authentic and speaking out against gender bias? If Sheryl Sandberg did not embrace her gift for being authentic and standing up for what she believes in, I’m not sure if Lean In would have been published. I’m not sure if the movement she created would exist. Sheryl Sandberg spent more time on her strengths rather than only focusing on her weaknesses and this contributed to the impact she has today. Often times I tell my clients to think of strengths as a muscle. You have to keep working it out so that it gets stronger and more defined. The more time and effort you can put into your strengths, defining it and refining it, the more you will be happier, confident and successful. After all, your strengths are what make you unique. Your strengths give you recognition. They make you more confident. We all know what Sheryl Sandberg is known for. What are you known for? “You cannot be anything you want to be – but you can be a whole lot more of who you already are.” ― Tom Rath

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Redefining Success After Maternity Leave

02/28/17

Taslim Vastani

Well, I’m doing it. I’m actually going to write down the words: I am a different person after having a baby. I want to have a career. I want to be a physically (and mentally) present wife and mom. I want to do things for me. I want my son to look up to me. I want MORE……PHEW! That was hard. Wanting more once you’re a mom, and actually saying out loud that you want more – and acting on that, are very different things. When I came back to work after 10 months of maternity leave, I admit that I was VERY conflicted. I wasn’t ready to leave my baby, but at the same time, I was (SO) ready to be among adults again. I was ready to use my brain in a different way again and I was ready to be needed in a different way again. What I didn’t see coming was just how different I would be once I did come back to work. My priorities are different. The way I approach my team is different. The way I think is different. The way I work is different. I am not the same person anymore, and that simple term that I used to love, Team Queen, hit me like a TON OF BRICKS. After 4 months of floundering and trying to “rediscover my work self,” I have realized that I forgot about the very premise of my “Queen of My Success” blog! Define what success means to you. Remember that it’s okay to have varying definitions of success because it’s your success. I want a career. I want to grow personally and professionally – for me. BUT I also want to grow for my family. I want my son to believe that you can get what you are looking for in life if you work hard, and if you believe in yourself. I want to lead by example for him. So that he not only believes it, but so that he also knows it. Okay so now that that is sorted out, all I have to do is figure out what success means to me now that I’m a mom – easy, right? Ummm, not so easy. I will say that while I haven’t figured out my complete definition of success, I have started with my non-negotiables. I’m starting with working through the answer of the type of lifestyle I am looking for, and then using that to define where I want to go both personally and professionally. Because life is different for me now, I need to approach defining what success means for me in a different way. As much as I wish I had realized this fact 4 months ago, I believe that I had to go through this adjustment period (a.k.a. “the floundering period”) in order to best define (and believe) my non-negotiables: I want to have a career. I want to be a physically (and mentally) present wife and mom. I want to do things for me. I want my son to look up to me. Before I close, I thought it would be important…No – critical for me to say that these 3 paragraphs have taken me over a month to write. Not because I didn’t know what to write, but because I was terrified of the fact that writing it down would make it real. I’d be admitting to what I originally thought was some form of failure. Becoming a mom is the most challenging, stressful, depressing, exhausting, hair-falling-out-make-me-crazy, absolutely incredible and mind-blowing thing that has ever happened to me – all at the same time! My biggest learning (in the last month) has been: Cut yourself some slack, Taslim! So, to the future moms, almost moms-to-be, new moms, experienced moms – to all of you: Cut yourself some slack! We grow HUMANS!! Granted, I often forget to do this very simple act of breathing and cutting myself that little bit of slack, but now, I know it. Now, I believe it a little bit more everyday. Finally, let’s recap: 1. Cut yourself some slack! 2. Define your non-negotiables 3. Start defining your success Can’t wait to hear what you think and what success looks like for you! — Want more from Ama La Vida? Sign up for our newsletter 🙂

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Confidence in Self

Self Awareness

02/02/17

Pip Honour

No one is you and that is your power – Dave Grohl As children we receive unconditional love – all we need to do is signal by making a noise and we are embraced with warmth, food, love and admiration. As we grow and develop we are subjected to rules and expectations from both our family and society. We learn that being different is not always celebrated. It may only take one bully or a broken heart to fuel years of feeling unworthy. To balance this loss of confidence we find safety in conforming and following the crowd. As a chubby child myself I was an easy target – I looked different. I leant on my sense of humour to shake off hurtful names and make caring friendships – but I continued to feel the pain. My dieting began at the ripe old age of 8 years old. I truly believed if I became skinny then I would instantly feel confident and life would be extraordinary – I might even capture some attention from the boys. I carried this mantra for over 20 years – skinniness equalled happiness. Messages received from the media, popular culture and advertising only reinforced this belief. I constantly compared my body to other females and found comfort in alcohol and egotistical men. Needless to say my confidence was non-existent. Self Confidence is most commonly described as a feeling of trust in one’s own abilities, qualities and judgement. This is an attribute most of us idolise, we spend endless time and energy pursuing it. And yet, whether or not we are masters in this field, we cannot help but share our opinions on the confidence levels of others. Often people we perceive as being confident, may not be entirely confident in themselves. Our perception of who we consider to be confident also changes over time. For me, confidence at the age of 15 looked like the beautiful popular girls at school. At the time, I wanted to be like them. However, as I now approach my 30s, I admire women who stand tall in their own skin and speak their truth. My biggest lesson here is to stop being so concerned with other people and to focus on my own fabulous qualities. After experiencing a loss of menstrual cycles at the age of 28 I intuitively knew deep down the dieting and body shame had to stop. My health quickly became my main priority and with that I approached food and body movement from a place of love and nourishment. This was also complimented with the mind & soul work that had been lacking – meditation, yoga, journaling & affirmations have supported me to find self acceptance, peace and a confidence fuelled from within. Some supportive ways to develop your own self confidence – // Surround yourself positivity. It has been said that we make up the average of the 5 people we most commonly associate with. Find your positive role models and spend your precious time with these supportive and loving people who truly bring out the best in you. // Develop a daily self love ritual. Spending as little as 10 minutes doing something that feels good will allow a sense of calm and centeredness to carry you throughout your day. You will then be able to give more of yourself to others. It might be a meditation, journaling, a walk outside or writing someone a thoughtful note. This small regular habit will create lasting changes. // Surrender to Flow. For me the dieting was always about control. Controlling how people viewed and accepted me. As soon as I realised I could not control how others perceived me I felt a sense of relief. The truth is you could be the most beautiful, successful, intelligent person in the world – there will always be someone who doesn’t warm to you. Focus on what lights you up and you will be onto a good thing. // Give Love. When we give other people compliments we are saturating our mind with positivity. This positivity is infectious and leaves us feeling good and more likely to speak to ourselves with kindness. Write one person a day (as part of your self love ritual) a thoughtful note – you will both be left feeling loving and grateful for this simple gesture. // Lean into Fear. Our fears express themselves in so many ways – anxiety, aggression, pain and varied emotions. It is only by facing them head on do we truly embrace and walk through this discomfort. Choose one thing every day that arises fear in you and do it. This is where the true growth occurs and where you have the opportunity to replace fear with love and a feeling of satisfaction. Always remember you are unique and this is a wonderful (powerful) thing. Wishing you love as you continue your personal journey to a more confident and joyful life. — Want more from Ama La Vida? Sign up for our newsletter 🙂

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Be All of You

Career Discovery

11/28/16

Foram Sheth

I’m happy and I’m sad. I like being with people and I like to be alone. I like risks and I am cautious.  Do I sound like a confused teen who doesn’t know who she is? Perhaps. But I think I don’t have to be one thing or the other. I can be both and so can you. We don’t have to be boxed into thinking that we have to be this or that. No. Life isn’t that simple and shit is complicated. People are complicated. I recently read a great book called Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work by Heath and Heath and they talk about this concept of widening your options. To get away from using the word OR and replace that with AND. This can be applied to work – you’re being presented some options and they say you can go with option A or option B. Well if we reframe the way we think, then we can ask why not both or why not an alternate option – like option C? The same goes with people. You can feel and be multiple things at any given time and that’s okay. Just because you’re a happy person and you like to be with people doesn’t mean you also don’t have days where you don’t care about anything and you want to be alone. That’s not an “off” day – that’s just you being you. People and society like labels. They like perfect words and descriptions of who people are so that they can predict how they’ll act. If I said I was an extrovert, what comes to mind? I enjoy being with people, I like to talk out loud, I like to try new things. Now what if I liked being alone after a long day at work? What if I needed time to process things? Are you going to call me an introvert? You’ve labeled me to fit me into one box because that’s your schema of how things work and who people are. We can’t approach life with labeling people with one descriptor and we also don’t have to label ourselves that way. You have unlimited words to define yourself and the more context you can provide as to who you are and what you like and don’t like, the better people can understand you and not make assumptions. If there is anything you should take away from this, it is not to be limited by the OR options and the OR people of the world. You can be it all. You do not fit into a simple term – you are not introverted or extroverted. You are not type A or type B. You are not a hippie or a cowboy. You can be introverted and extroverted – it’s your preference who to be when. When you label as one or the other, you play into that role and you start seeing things the way you are asked to see it. That’s not you. You are complicated and you are unique and you are you. As Heath and Heath say, widen your options. Because if you don’t, I guarantee you’ll miss an opportunity. You gotta do you. All of you. Want more from Ama La Vida? Sign up for our newsletter 🙂

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Why me? (oh, and, how did i get so lucky?)

Women Empowerment

11/11/16

Katie Bennett

I was hoping that next time I wrote anything about miscarriages, I would be holding a sweet little baby in my arms and could whisper messages of hope to all of those experiencing hardships, “Keep at it. You’ll get there”, “See, miracles happen”, “Keep believing.” Ok, so I still believe all of these things, but unfortunately I’m not writing to you with a baby sleeping on my lap (yet!). This post is not just about miscarriage, but I have realized something during my miscarriages that I would like to share. On the weekend, I had another one. Yep, number four. I felt somewhat numbed by it. Really, universe? Again? I had just come back from four months in Australia where I had been undergoing IVF to get a PGD embryo (a fancy way of saying a healthy embryo) so that we could reduce the biggest miscarriage risk which comes from conceiving an abnormal embryo. We tried transferring two healthy embryos on two different months… nothing… I flew back to Seattle, my heart aching for home and my husband, and one week later, bang! Of course, we were pregnant again! Well, you know how that story ends, but I found myself thinking, Why? Why is it so easy for everyone else? Why is so hard for me? Now most of you may have never experienced a miscarriage (thank god) but I’m pretty sure that hasn’t inoculated you from asking the question, “Why? Why me?” about some aspect of your life. Perhaps you still haven’t found the love of your life. You’re sitting at home alone with a beer and a pizza scrolling through photos on Facebook of drunk bachelorette parties, beautiful weddings and honeymoons in paradise, and you ask yourself, “Why? Why is it so easy for them? Why is it so hard for me?” Perhaps you have been on a diet for three years straight. All you want is to take a big fat bite into a donut, but you know that three minutes later you will be ten pounds heavier, yet those skinny bitches around you are eating McDonalds for breakfast and still have a bloody thigh gap, and you ask yourself, “Why? Why is it so easy for them? Why is it so hard for me?” Or maybe your best friend has arranged a girls trip to Mexico, which you desperately want to go on, and which everyone else has signed up for without batting an eye lid. But you know that rounding up the cash to go on that trip means steamed rice for dinner for at least two months after, and you ask yourself, “Why? Why is it so easy for them? Why is it so hard for me? The moral of the story is that everyone has a “why?” Pregnancy loss is my “why?” Pregnancy loss is the experience that makes me wonder why things seem so easy for others and so difficult for me. But you know what? There are countless things in my life which are not a “why?” but instead a “how?” – a “How did I get so lucky?” It’s so easy for us to think of the things that others have and we don’t, and social media makes it almost impossible to avoid. But it is also important to remember that everyone has their own challenges, everyone has their own “why me?” But everyone also has their own “How did I get so lucky?” So I want to finish this piece by challenging everyone to do three things this week: 1) Be compassionate. That person honking their horn on the freeway, or giving you an evil eye at the coffee shop does not actually hate you, nor are they trying to piss you off. They are just dealing with their own “why me?” 2) When you have a moment of “why me?” (which we all do) try and shift your mindset. Notice the things that you are lucky to have, the things that are likely somebody else’s “why me?” The things that make you ask yourself “How did I get so lucky?” 3) Be real. We don’t have to pretend that life is all sunshine and lollypops. When we are real with people, we give them permission to be real with us. We let them in and help them realize that they are not alone in their “why me.” I know that it’s not always easy to do these things. In fact, sometimes I’m the one honking on the freeway or lashing out at a loved one because I’m having a moment of “why me?” (yesterday was a case in point). And when we’re feeling that way, it becomes even harder to be compassionate toward others – but it is also when it is most important. It is the periods of difficulty and uncertainty that we must do our best to remember that we are not alone in this; that everyone has their own journey and its challenges, and that the highlight reel that you see on social media is a very distorted reflection of peoples real lives. Have a deep conversation with anyone you know and ask them what they’re going through. I bet you will find it doesn’t look anything like the cocktail on the beach that they posted yesterday! In my own experience, one of the greatest sources of healing has come from transparency. Be real. Talk to the people you love. I think you’ll realize that you’re not alone; that you are surrounded by care and support, and you may even stop to ask yourself: “How did I get so lucky?” Katie xx Want more from Ama La Vida? Sign up for our newsletter 🙂

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Being Naked: Connection, Authenticity, and the Vulnerability Hangover

Confidence

10/02/16

Katie Bennett

It wasn’t so much a slow and seductive unraveling of my robe. It was more a stark and sudden ripping off of my clothes. There I was. Freezing cold, bare naked. Everything hanging out­­­ for the world to see. It was an uncomfortable feeling. Kind of like the excruciating wait after you send your crush a deep and emotional text, and wonder whether you should have ever done it. Only multiplied by 7 billion, because it is not just one person you are sharing yourself with, it is the world. One part of you wants them to respond but the other part of you dreads it; what if they don’t say what we want them to? What if I look stupid? Brene Brown calls this the “vunerability hangover.” The morning after you show yourself bare naked and wonder whether perhaps you should have just left your clothes on? Yes. I have a vulnerability hangover. “What am I doing?” I think to myself sometimes. Ok. Sometimes is an understatement. All. The. Time. Just like most human beings on the planet, I, too, am scared about showing too much of myself. In fact, when I was at high school, I used to carry around a large thick coat, which wrapped up the fragility and sensitivity of the real me and hid it from the judgment and the harshness of the outside world. My best friend and worst enemy, my eating disorder, gave me an illusion of control in a world that felt way too uncertain and unpredictable. It worked for a while. But eventually, the things that I tried to control began to control me, and again, I became lost in a sea of tumultuous waves that I couldn’t control. I was trying So. Very. Hard. But yet, I was still drowning. I think that is the thing about uncertainty, just like the waves, when we vigorously try to resist, we become tired and exhausted. Eventually, we might even begin to drown. Yet when we are aware and accepting, we can reserve our energy for when it is most needed. We might still get knocked around a little, but for the most part, we float. Almost every day on social media, I post words and pictures about things that I hope will empower people to feel thankful, worthy, joyful, amused or any other positive emotion. Our company is grounded on the very idea of purposeful living, and leading a life that you love. I fundamentally believe everything that I say and post, and I am very careful in my selection. I don’t choose things based on how many likes I believe they might get, but rather how many hearts I hope they might touch. However, I mention all of this because I also realize that at times, my posts may unknowingly perpetuate a societal distortion that I feel very passionately about. One of my favorite quotes is by Steve Furtick, who said: “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel”. In a world inundated with highlight reels – facebook, instagram, twitter, you name it – this couldn’t be more true. Starting a business has been one of the most exciting rides of my life. However it has also been daunting, terrifying, lonely, scary, frustrating, painful and so many other things. For the most part, the world sees the tea-cup ride, when in fact I feel like I’m on the world’s scariest rollercoaster; going down the biggest dip and unsure whether it’s ever going to pivot back up. My ‘behind the scenes’ is absolutely terrifying. And I want everyone to know it. Because when we see the highlight reels of individuals and companies, we inevitably begin to feel inadequate. Not because we are inadequate, but because we are human. And as humans, we care about our likeability and social ranking. It is in our DNA. But the problem that is arising is that we are ranking everything we know about ourselves against a smidgeon of what we know about others. And usually it’s a very selective and polished smidgeon. It is a dangerous and distorted comparison. Sometimes life doesn’t look like cocktails and sunshine in the maldives. It can sometimes look like a big dark cloud of fear about to abrupt into a storm. Sometimes life is daunting and scary and overwhelming and disappointing. Exposing yourself, your true self, to the world, exasperates all those feelings. Scary becomes terrifying. Disappointing becomes heart-wrenching. And more often than not, you will finish up with a massive vulnerability hangover! Is it really worth it? Absolutely! Sharing yourself with the world, whether it be your ideas, your art, your passionate opinions or your true personality is never easy. The point of it is not to be easy. The point of it is to make a difference. If what you are doing feels easy, it is probably because it is also what most other people are doing. The feeling of ‘easy’ relates to the feeling of ‘comfortable’, which also relates to being ‘accepted’. Usually the things that are ‘acceptable’ are the things that everyone is doing. But if everyone is doing it, then it’s probably not making much of a difference. Sharing your art, voicing a controversial opinion, starting a company, sharing your idea… all of these things require courage. And vulnerability. You are taking off the comfortable cloak that keeps you safe and warm, and sharing a part of yourself that perhaps no-one has seen. And that perhaps people might not like. But we don’t do it because it’s easy. Or because we want people to like it. We do it because it matters. And when the pull of what matters is stronger than the push of the fear, that’s when things happen. That’s when we move forward. That’s when the world changes. There will be people that don’t like what’s under your cloak. There will be people that wish you would just keep it on.   But there will also be just as

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How To Stay Safe As A Solo Female Traveler

09/01/16

Jillian Palucis

I feel compelled to share a bit of my knowledge regarding solo female travel. Despite our modern times many women are still intimidated by the idea of traveling alone. Anything new in life is intimidating, regardless of gender, but nothing has empowered me more than traveling alone. Here are a few tips on how to stay safe on the road. Follow Your Intuition The more you travel, the better your intuition becomes. When you get a bad feeling regarding a stranger’s integrity, a guesthouse, or a dark alley, honor it. It may be fear of the unknown, but it may be your instinct telling you to avoid an undesirable situation. Listen to your gut, it usually knows when danger is present. Dress Conservatively Be observant of what local women are wearing and blend in. You will already draw attention by looking different, you don’t want to invite more attention by being the girl wearing short shorts in a conservative country. Aside from safety, it is also a matter of respect. Save your scandalous outfit for a night in New York City, not Nepal. Take Registered Taxis When Available Registered taxis add another level of security to your journey. Aside from the fact that your journey is registered, the drivers are as well. In major cities this is the best and safest way to travel. I also learned to lock the doors of a taxi while traveling. This prevents anyone from getting in while you are stopped. Arrive In A New Place During The Day This will not only give you a chance to get your bearings, it will make you feel more comfortable in your new surroundings. Also, if you are looking for a place to stay, it is much safer walking around during the day. More light, less opportunists. Ask Locals About Safe/Non-Safe Areas Whether you inquire with a tourist information booth, guesthouse owner, or a local cafe, most locals are in the know and happy to share this information with you. With this knowledge you are free to wander about without feeling anxious or getting lost in a bad neighborhood. You may even make a friend or receive a recommendation on where to go in the process. Have A “Story” Having a story about meeting your “husband/boyfriend/fake man of your choosing” helps. Yes, I am strongly encouraging lying. I hate to admit that this the reality of the world we live in, but lying will deter interested parties. I recently had a man follow me around a museum attempting to make conversation and asking me where I was staying. I told him I was meeting my husband after the museum and went into a cascade of details(lies) about our fake love story. He stopped following me as a result. Inform Someone Of Your Whereabouts Whether it is the guesthouse owner, your fellow backpackers, or your family at home, it is good to have somebody know where you are. I once had a situation at a guesthouse where I felt very uncomfortable in the presence of the owner. I felt compelled to message friends and fellow travel buddies to inform them exactly where I was staying. Nothing happened but I felt better knowing someone was aware just in case. Don’t Be Afraid To Say NO! Sometimes we sacrifice what we really want in favor of being polite or pleasing people. It is not rude to say no or be assertive. Being assertive is an art that when cultivated will allow you to avoid unfavorable situations. This rule applies to getting in a taxi with a driver who smells like alcohol, denying drink/food from a stranger on the train, a hand attempting to grope you, or telling a new acquaintance you are uncomfortable walking down a dark alley. Use your intuition and your NO as much as necessary. Be Observant Of How Many Women Are Around This applies to many different situations from having dinner in a restaurant, to riding in a train car, to being in a nightclub. If there aren’t any women around it is a sign you shouldn’t be either. When you are alone and only surrounded by men you become the only glass of water in the desert. Congregate with other women if they are around. While traveling alone I have encountered many women who go out of their way to ensure my safety. Don’t be afraid to connect with them.

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